urban legend.

Hi,
The definition(s) you referred to have been removed from our database.You should see the change on the site in the next few days.


On Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 6:04 AM, Emily Schmalhofer
<emily.schmalhofer@clippermagazine.com> wrote:>

Good Morning.
I added a definition a LONG time ago but i did it under my real name
as opposed to a screename. Could you remove the definition by Emily Schmalhofer.
Or keep it with some sort of pseudonym?

Thank You-
when my name is googled i come up as an 'urban dictionary author'
and would prefer not to.


--Urban Dictionarywww.urbandictionary.com

xyz

Ok you know that pair of jeans that you can't help feeling sexy in?

The pair I have on today is no longer 'that pair'.

My zipper isn't down b/c of me being absent minded after the restroom ....it exploded.

Much like a van would blow a tire on a super highway- shreds everywhere. My zipper is a goner broken to bits the whole way down, pieces physically missing.

enjoy everyone.

Housekeeping note: Sorry I suck at writing lately and please don't ASSume its because I am not the victim of my normal everyday tragedies. I actually have so many brewing right now I am overwhelmed at which to share. Any requests would be helpful dear ones- you know whats going on. xo E.

peanut butter, a love story.

Wanted to give you all a boost or word of encouragement if you are struggling with your New Year's resolutions. Remember I told you I joined the weight loss program called "I lost it at the club"? I am no longer in last place....was beaten out and someone now officially has GAINED a higher percentage of weight then yours truly. I am hovering at an intimidating 2nd to last place in the 20-29 category.

loser's code name : jelly

Rock The Vote.

So many awesome things have transpired since I last wrote...why don't you tell me what you want to hear about?

1. Under Armor Princess

2. Exposed at Banana Republic

3. MADE- Emily's attempt at hip hop

4. Microwave Algorithm

5. 911, again.

6. White Girls and Green Bananas.

Love and Trash

Ok you know how SNL does that Weekend Update segment...where they simply say "Really?!?!" for about 2 minutes about every headline? Some days my internal dialogue is forced to do that NON-STOP just by life in general.

Today it happened while I was checking out my favorite shopping blog http://www.outblush.com/ recommended to me last Christmas by a very style conscious ex-hole. Their featured must-have item today was ---- SMITTENS.

(the mittens for hand holders)

This is SO great just at face value...I am going to copy and paste the product description. I have added some "Really's?!?!" in red to match this delightful web find. BUT I am counting on you to add your own quizzical expression and eyebrow raises- you in??

Better Together RECYCLED FLEECE SMITTENS-- ADULT

REALLY?!?!- Adult? this is the first gross marketing error they are meant for grown ups? I would see our target demographic to be more like 3 year old twins you are worried about getting separated at the YMCA playground . Now you can love the earth and your sweetie with Smittens made from recycled fleece . REALLY?!?! whoa whoa whoa now I pride myself of being a green girl but WHAT exactly are we recycling??? No Really?!?!? Fleece? Is this do to the surplus of 1/2 zips that is filling our nations landfills from when Old Navy brainwashed us with that performance fleece commercial. You know you had that song stuck in your head well past Y2K "Old Navy Old Navy..." ha ha it's back now, sorry. Truthfully-I am glad we finally found a use for this synthetic nightmare. I get so pissed from seeing our sidewalks covered with beer bottles and those stripey scarfs- Really? I think we could begin by simply recycling our superfluous fleece items to....I don't know...HOMELESS PEOPLE?!? Invented by knitwear designer Wendy Feller, Wow. Really?!-you are not trying to defend your creative anonymity? who came up with the idea for Smittens while on a romantic but chilly walk with her husband, OK I know no one would describe me as a hopeless romantic...but REALLY?!? if I am fighting a negative wind chill let me tell you were hand holding ranks on the priority pole. a set of Smittens comes with a set of two regular mittens plus a third over sized one for a couple to share between them. oh boy?-Really!?! Even when they boil it down for my 3rd grade IQ i still think it sounds REDONKULOUS, give me my own damn mitten, thanks. Handmade in Seattle. I am sure Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks will some day endorse this product--it will go a long way in funding future lip injections for her. B/c I am pretty sure at this point no matter how fast they run the romantic comedy ship has left the dock for with neither of them on board. Set includes one medium mitten, one large mitten ,and one smitten to share. Really-come ON?!?! OK now i'm spinning after all of this planning my girl decided that the one frozen lover has a medium sized paw while the other has a large one? Hey Wendy just a heads up Valentines for 2027 when I place my order I typically date men who are about 6" taller than me and between 10 and 15 pounds lighter....keep the large one for me but beanpole BF will likely need a small.

my manic manicure

You know how some TV programs are rated M for mature audiences?

Ok this blog today is rated M because its only suitable for mentally stable audiences.

I am hoping to not scare away my three followers because of me being shot in the ass with a seasonal affective disorder dart!

Today is my second consecutive personal day.

Yesterday, actually I made it until lunch when i realized that i had a sizeable hole in the thigh of my jeans. Hard to feel pretty with a little dollop of icy white flesh popping out of your dark denim not-so-skinny jeans. Thankfully today i had less explaining to do b/c we had inch and a half blizzard. So i threw the snow card. But lets be real a lot of people are not skipping around this time of year! Oprah for example...also must have the winter blah's. Yesterday and today she tried to lull me out of my manic state with these sunny topics "Obese Families in Crisis" AND today "Evangelist Ted Haggard, His Wife and the Gay Sex Scandal". I never get to watch Oprah but i had remembered it too be more makeovers and book clubs- I guess its been a while. Even the news! I would like to but shock collars on the anchors and have them zapped every time they say things like 'economic downturn'. "Hey Matt Lauer THAT'S NOT NEWS- I haven't gotten highlights, a fun appetizer, or brand name cereal in like 6 months" Then they jump back on the toxic peanut butter and we all now I can't deal. Entertainment Tonight's top story is "Is Jessica Simpson's weight --is she letting herself go?"- honest guys?!?!? The girl who brought daisy duke shorts back and is dating NFL god next were going to start accusing the Olsen twins of love handles.

I might as well try to be a plus sized model.

So at the close of day 2 I decided I am ok just sort of sitting in my funk? Now don't go calling me in a prescription. Hear me out! I am so uber-in touch with my emotions I just embrace them. If its spring I listen to country music, lay in the grass, and crave berry lip gloss. Today I painted my nails the color "Lincoln Park After Dark"(if you aren't familiar with this just use your imagination its NOT in the pink family) , I also put toothpaste on my face for my latest bout of adult acne, and I have been listening to Billy Joel's "She's got a Way" on repeat. The video made me laugh-the song made me cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otLlHv2JHTc&feature=related

Nothings wrong, really I just am not the kind of person who fights it. Some people call old friends to , take walks, and volunteer at soup kitchens. I sulk and put my phone on silent!!!!

So join me or try and talk me out of it...but i want to boil down what i've learned

1. I now view carbs as sacred- I am so sorry i've not respected you more over the years.


2. I'd sooner wear no pants- then to have the very bottom of my pant legs wet from slush.


3. I want to be a stay at home person.


4. Cool Whip in a can is the 8th deadly sin.


5. Getting your haircut like a lesbian who plays short stop- doens't help you to go face the world.


6. I am NOT suffering from the Hope Hangover like the rest of my now Obama nation.


7. Facebook reminds me that I allegedly have 347 friends but only mom wants to chat.


8. My apartment is a balmy 61 degrees, but theres no place i'd rather be.


9. I'd kill a kitten- if I could trade my shower stall for a clawfoot bathtub.


10. AND finally....If I am so hell bent that there are not good men left to date---- I'm just gonna suck it up and spend the 19.95 to make my weekends cozier.

https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next?tag=EDSMGOGN

almost a NY bestseller