Love and Trash

Ok you know how SNL does that Weekend Update segment...where they simply say "Really?!?!" for about 2 minutes about every headline? Some days my internal dialogue is forced to do that NON-STOP just by life in general.

Today it happened while I was checking out my favorite shopping blog http://www.outblush.com/ recommended to me last Christmas by a very style conscious ex-hole. Their featured must-have item today was ---- SMITTENS.

(the mittens for hand holders)

This is SO great just at face value...I am going to copy and paste the product description. I have added some "Really's?!?!" in red to match this delightful web find. BUT I am counting on you to add your own quizzical expression and eyebrow raises- you in??

Better Together RECYCLED FLEECE SMITTENS-- ADULT

REALLY?!?!- Adult? this is the first gross marketing error they are meant for grown ups? I would see our target demographic to be more like 3 year old twins you are worried about getting separated at the YMCA playground . Now you can love the earth and your sweetie with Smittens made from recycled fleece . REALLY?!?! whoa whoa whoa now I pride myself of being a green girl but WHAT exactly are we recycling??? No Really?!?!? Fleece? Is this do to the surplus of 1/2 zips that is filling our nations landfills from when Old Navy brainwashed us with that performance fleece commercial. You know you had that song stuck in your head well past Y2K "Old Navy Old Navy..." ha ha it's back now, sorry. Truthfully-I am glad we finally found a use for this synthetic nightmare. I get so pissed from seeing our sidewalks covered with beer bottles and those stripey scarfs- Really? I think we could begin by simply recycling our superfluous fleece items to....I don't know...HOMELESS PEOPLE?!? Invented by knitwear designer Wendy Feller, Wow. Really?!-you are not trying to defend your creative anonymity? who came up with the idea for Smittens while on a romantic but chilly walk with her husband, OK I know no one would describe me as a hopeless romantic...but REALLY?!? if I am fighting a negative wind chill let me tell you were hand holding ranks on the priority pole. a set of Smittens comes with a set of two regular mittens plus a third over sized one for a couple to share between them. oh boy?-Really!?! Even when they boil it down for my 3rd grade IQ i still think it sounds REDONKULOUS, give me my own damn mitten, thanks. Handmade in Seattle. I am sure Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks will some day endorse this product--it will go a long way in funding future lip injections for her. B/c I am pretty sure at this point no matter how fast they run the romantic comedy ship has left the dock for with neither of them on board. Set includes one medium mitten, one large mitten ,and one smitten to share. Really-come ON?!?! OK now i'm spinning after all of this planning my girl decided that the one frozen lover has a medium sized paw while the other has a large one? Hey Wendy just a heads up Valentines for 2027 when I place my order I typically date men who are about 6" taller than me and between 10 and 15 pounds lighter....keep the large one for me but beanpole BF will likely need a small.

my manic manicure

You know how some TV programs are rated M for mature audiences?

Ok this blog today is rated M because its only suitable for mentally stable audiences.

I am hoping to not scare away my three followers because of me being shot in the ass with a seasonal affective disorder dart!

Today is my second consecutive personal day.

Yesterday, actually I made it until lunch when i realized that i had a sizeable hole in the thigh of my jeans. Hard to feel pretty with a little dollop of icy white flesh popping out of your dark denim not-so-skinny jeans. Thankfully today i had less explaining to do b/c we had inch and a half blizzard. So i threw the snow card. But lets be real a lot of people are not skipping around this time of year! Oprah for example...also must have the winter blah's. Yesterday and today she tried to lull me out of my manic state with these sunny topics "Obese Families in Crisis" AND today "Evangelist Ted Haggard, His Wife and the Gay Sex Scandal". I never get to watch Oprah but i had remembered it too be more makeovers and book clubs- I guess its been a while. Even the news! I would like to but shock collars on the anchors and have them zapped every time they say things like 'economic downturn'. "Hey Matt Lauer THAT'S NOT NEWS- I haven't gotten highlights, a fun appetizer, or brand name cereal in like 6 months" Then they jump back on the toxic peanut butter and we all now I can't deal. Entertainment Tonight's top story is "Is Jessica Simpson's weight --is she letting herself go?"- honest guys?!?!? The girl who brought daisy duke shorts back and is dating NFL god next were going to start accusing the Olsen twins of love handles.

I might as well try to be a plus sized model.

So at the close of day 2 I decided I am ok just sort of sitting in my funk? Now don't go calling me in a prescription. Hear me out! I am so uber-in touch with my emotions I just embrace them. If its spring I listen to country music, lay in the grass, and crave berry lip gloss. Today I painted my nails the color "Lincoln Park After Dark"(if you aren't familiar with this just use your imagination its NOT in the pink family) , I also put toothpaste on my face for my latest bout of adult acne, and I have been listening to Billy Joel's "She's got a Way" on repeat. The video made me laugh-the song made me cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otLlHv2JHTc&feature=related

Nothings wrong, really I just am not the kind of person who fights it. Some people call old friends to , take walks, and volunteer at soup kitchens. I sulk and put my phone on silent!!!!

So join me or try and talk me out of it...but i want to boil down what i've learned

1. I now view carbs as sacred- I am so sorry i've not respected you more over the years.


2. I'd sooner wear no pants- then to have the very bottom of my pant legs wet from slush.


3. I want to be a stay at home person.


4. Cool Whip in a can is the 8th deadly sin.


5. Getting your haircut like a lesbian who plays short stop- doens't help you to go face the world.


6. I am NOT suffering from the Hope Hangover like the rest of my now Obama nation.


7. Facebook reminds me that I allegedly have 347 friends but only mom wants to chat.


8. My apartment is a balmy 61 degrees, but theres no place i'd rather be.


9. I'd kill a kitten- if I could trade my shower stall for a clawfoot bathtub.


10. AND finally....If I am so hell bent that there are not good men left to date---- I'm just gonna suck it up and spend the 19.95 to make my weekends cozier.

https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next?tag=EDSMGOGN

almost a NY bestseller

fat tuesday

3 times before lunch I received an email with this subject line:

12 Winter Depression Busters

Gee, thanks everyone.

But seriously if you want the email its great I can forward it to you..

Last night I was looking at pictures from the Bahamas and day dreaming about vitamin D. I began to wonder this if i lived in a place like the Bahamas where it doesn't get dark at noon and feel like communist Russia outside- do you still feel blah at this time of year? Or are they still beating on those steel drums and drinking rum slushies?

Deep thoughts thats I tend to dwell on are: the grass is dead, i heart soup and socks, can my weekend plans be cable, my nose will be cold until late April, my car needs washed, is there more to life than oatmeal, my skin tone went from olive to albino in a month and a half, my ass is becoming like a shelf under my lower back, is sleeping with my hood up and tied sexy, is my best friend is a yankee candle, do other women shave their legs in January, why are flasks socially unaceptable, and last but not least....can hot chocolate and my journal somehow be incorporated into be my 'career path'

This morning I forced myself to wear....wait for it...the color blue. (see photo above) Don't let the mardi gras beads fool you.... Because everyday this week I have been hiding in every variation of the ever chic black turtleneck- one day i even tried a splash of gray.

I also joined this post-holiday morale boosting program at the gym called "I lost it at the club"...cute i know. Anywho the premise is you weigh in weekly and they show your weight loss progress on a public cork board. For the time being is the closest thing I can afford to a personal trainer (should have never broken up with Exercise Science Greg) This surely will give me just the the jolt I need!

The contest has given me the raw motivation to consistently pack ON 2lbs each week....and for NO COST they hide that information above the club's only water fountain. Now every big necked frat boy and soccer mom in a matchy matchy tracksuits can see my percentage of weight GAIND . (if they have to have the ability de-code my name spelled backwards) It may as well say "Every Tuesday ylimE has a habit of eating seven or eight 100 calorie packs of oreos while watching Biggest Loser and drinking wine in a box just because its winter"

A reminder just flashed on my screen I am 9 minutes late for my

....Wellness Committee Meeting.

.

So Help Me God

I would like to be more mature and talk about the impact on history of yesterday's inaugural events- however whatever side of the brain these types of thoughts are to come from are rendered useless when I see things like this HAT.

The queen of soul and her beddazler made some history of their own yesterday in D.C.

Only the Good Die Young.

After a weekend of making love to my jar o' crunchy I see the following headlines-

"More Deaths Blamed On Tainted Peanut Butter"

"Salmonella Outbreak Spreads To 42 States"
"Consumers Urged To Avoid Peanut Butter Products"

"Salmonella Prompts Peanut Butter Recall"

my neck of the woods.

My dear friend JB recently started dating this UBER-intellectual.
She has described there relationship before as a bit like Pinky and the Brain- he for example is so intelligent he is employed by the government and is "not permitted to speak about his job". Her and I on the other hand work for a company whose core product is coupons- hey bogo my friend.
So last weekend during our pre-date coffee*
*this is the time when I get to live vicariously through her date and hash out the evenings plans, appropriate dress code, and we devise smart questions to ask him.

This time I said to JB promise you'll ask the Brain if he "gets the weather?"

I pride my self in street smarts and a dusty bachelors degree BUT as soon as my local news station begins its SUPERDOOPERDOPLAR radar schtick- I get a really glazed over look. I feel like I am watching a foreign film with no subtitles straining to hear words I understand....in-between ones like squall, alberta clipper, front, barometric, low pressure system and mold spores. If I am hearing things like "prepare for a Nor_Easter" what the hell should my course of action be? Coloring Eggs? Bottom line is the weather makes me feel stupid- and I want to know if other lay-people/non-meteorologists* get it?

*even this very title is confusing to me...if I heard meteor though in a 7-day forecast I would sit up and pay attention.

I don't want question the importance of the weather because most Americans listen to every day on the 10's....beginning second the step out of the shower. BUT does it have to be delivered so only rocket surgeons can understand it? Do people when watching the purple blobs that they show us on repeat bouncing over a map apply that knowledge practically? The point of the weather (to me) is how is what's going on outside going to effect all of the shiet I have going on today- and at times for the next 7 days. I love when they throw in a star burst with the word COLD in it- and I cheer at my TV when they put a little lightning bolt or snow flake next to Monday. That makes sense...what doesn't make sense is how the pollen count is going to effect my evening commute? If I am ever run off the highway b/c of a cloud of yellow daisy dust I personally will apologize to jovial Mr. Roker but until then- give me the facts.

This would be a perfect forecast "It is going to be so cold this morning you have to wear that ugly puffer coat you hate just so you don't die- and even so the second you open the door the only choice you have will be to mumble profanities, no high heels b/c you will break your neck on the black ice, windy like your on the top of a mountain shove a scarf in that jacket to cover up any neck popping through, set your alarm 30 minutes early b/c your frozen Volkswagen will need to heat up if you want the brakes to work- it will continue to be frigid on your lunch break so pack, and when you leave in the evening the snow form a few days ago may have melted in the lunchtime sun so its will be equivalent frozen tundra so don't drive to the outlets like planned"

THAT would help me!

And after JB's research we found out that even the BRAIN doesn't get the weather- so just b/c you my local forecaster are on some sort of power trip from community collge lets dumb it down for the rest of us who just need help picking a coat.

The Ever Inappropriate .

Clear bra straps.

I need some help understanding these.
Victoria Secret always includes a set of clear bra straps with my VERYSEXYAngelCollectionPINKbiofitBodybyVictoria bra's*.

*there trendy names and marketing with Gisele's body make this necessity cost roughly as much as a down payment on a ford focus.

I have just never been in a situation where i thought an outfit could be bettered by the use of clear plastic jelly straps. One of my colleagues however, quietly advocates clear bra straps. This senseless accessory is involved with I am going to say 86% of her professional wardrobe. Today (literally at the water cooler) I began to ask myself "Just because something is clear does that make in invisible?" Maybe she is doing this for the benefit of those who are seeing her from outside of a 50 mile radius or the legally blind? Its like when you were in pre-K and for hide and seek you covered your own eyes?!? EVERYONE knows that you've had to jerry rig your breasts into a shirt that might I say is likely only appropriate at a venue where you need to have your hand stamped and show your drivers licence for admittance. I am also worried about the health implications of these contraptions. I find the plastic to usually cutting off circulation and I would not be surprised if on some tragic day this poor dears arms just ripped off at the shoulders?

In looking for answers I found the timeless lady Ms. Winehouse.

She was trying for casual chic with the wife beater but also didn't know what to do about the strap scenario. My guess is Ray Ray and Joe* suggested this teal and black alternative.

*add 10 cool points to your life score if you get that reference

I do realize there are (other) big problems in the world- but women are silently screaming for help here. Does our post rehab friend have it right?

Lord bless us and save us.